This Is ME

Yesterday I stood with my feet in the sand along one of Maui’s beautiful beaches letting the ocean wash over my toes.

Pressing my feet flat against the ground.

Feeling my toes dig and squelch further under the sand with each wave.

Watching my kids tumble and laugh and wrestle and splash in the surf.

Warm sun on my back.

Salty breeze brushing across my lips.

I felt SO SURE of who I was.

So happy. So present. So content.

I breathed in and out with the sound of the waves…thank you, thank you, thank you.

The truth is, I don’t always feel so sure.

I often wonder just exactly WHO I’m supposed to be.

I doubt myself as a mother, as a physician, as a wife, as a writer, as a friend…as a human in this life.

Is this right??? What is next??? Where will I be in 10 years???

And anxiety presses in all around me.

I wish I could always be as sure as I felt yesterday. Knowing. KNOWING.

This is ME.

Forty and loved and chubby and happy and worthy and graying and strong and just…HERE. Doing my imperfect best every single day.

I really like that girl.

The girl laughing and smiling back to her kids. Feeling the ocean breeze whipping her hair.

Nowhere to go. Nothing to prove. No one else she felt she needed to be.

Just pressing her feet flat against the sand.

I’m home now.

And everyone is tired.

The suitcases are filled with damp, sandy clothes.

The fridge is empty.

Everyone has overdue homework to do.

And my tummy feels chubbier after a week of decadent food at fancy restaurants.

Already I can feel life’s anxiety pressing in all around me.

But then today after I loaded more sandy clothes into the washer, I carried a rumpled just-up-from-her-nap little girl down the stairs. I buried my nose in her hair for a good long whiff as I stood for a moment in the kitchen. Swaying. Feeling her little body against mine. And pressing my feet into the floor.

It occurred to me maybe I don’t need to know what comes next.

And maybe I don’t need the sands of Maui to know who I am.

Maybe I simply need to press my feet flat against the floor of wherever I am standing.

Then look around.

Take a breath.

And KNOW.

This is ME.

Forty and loved and chubby and happy and worthy and graying and strong and just…HERE. Doing my imperfect best every single day.

Today I have everything I need.

Tomorrow might be something else.

And 10 years from now???

Who knows.

But just for today I’m right here.

Feet on the floor.

And I really like this girl.