Motherhood is Bittersweet

On vacation this summer, my soon-to-be junior in high school stared out the window at passing trees and ocean scenes as he wondered aloud, “Isn’t it weird to think there will only be one or two more family vacations together before I move out for college?”

And I longed to cry and clutch at time.

Clutch at HIM.

Clutch at the little boy-ness that vanished before I even had a chance to say good-bye.

But instead, I let the moment wash over me.

I let it slowly slip past as I silently soaked it all in and felt the enormity of what we’re asked to do as moms in this constant letting go.

Proud and sad and grateful and heartbroken and absolutely filled with joy at the opportunity to be part of it all…so many emotions wrapped up together in the same few breaths.

Such Beautiful Melancholy.

You’ve had those moments, right??

Moments so heartbreakingly lovely and beautifully bittersweet that your heart ACHES and you have to stop to catch your breath.

Moments that create our character and build our souls.

The layer upon layer of our stories.

Of ME.

Like once years ago visiting my husband after he stayed a few weeks in drug and alcohol rehab and noticing how the fog had lifted from his eyes and his skin had cleared. As if I was seeing the ‘real’ him for the first time in a long while.

Like so many years later watching our unexpected little girl try on my wedding tiara after her bath and flashing back to the day I bought it from the bridal store. Remembering how I had plopped it on my head at every stoplight on the drive home and turned from side to side in the rearview mirror admiring it and wondering briefly about the little girl I might have one day who could wear it for her ‘something old.’

And like this day recently on our vacation…soaking in the last few moments of a road trip ALL of us together in one car. Knowing in just one more blink I’ll be watching my first baby walk up the dorm steps and away. From me.

Beautiful melancholy.

Even as life’s moments break our hearts a little, we wouldn’t trade them for anything. Would we?