Motherhood is Bittersweet

Maybe it’s because I dropped my first child to high school this week.

Maybe it’s because I sent my fourth boy to kindergarten.

Maybe it’s because I turned 40 a few weeks ago.

Or maybe it’s because I’ll start my period next week.

I just feel sad.

And even as I type that I can feel the usual internal shushing. And squashing. All the ‘at least’-s building in my chest.

I’m always one to diminish myself. And my feelings. My first-world ‘struggles.’

I tell myself…

At least you were able to have children.

At least your children are all healthy and well.

At least you had a few years to stay home with them.

Imagine doing it all as a single mom.

Remember when you were working full time??

One day you’ll drop your youngest to college and come home to an empty nest. That’s way harder than this.

Besides, this is what is SUPPOSED to happen.

I know.

I KNOW.

I should just be grateful.

I should just be HAPPY and enjoy every moment.

I should just count my blessings…because the truth is, I’m SO incredibly blessed.

I know all these things.

But that doesn’t change the fact that today, right now, I feel sad.

I think it’s because every other time I’ve sent a child off to kindergarten, I’ve had a newborn at home. And years stretched before me filled with chubby little bodies and sippy cups and LITTLE-ness.

But today when I rounded the corner in the backyard after watering the flowers my ‘baby’ girl hollered, “Momma look!!” So proud because she learned to start herself on the swing. Pumping her legs all by herself so that her toes touched the branches above.

This season of babies and littleness is passing me right by.

And even as my heart bursts with pride, I just feel…sad.

Yesterday I folded heaps of laundry and tucked it into drawers, and I paused for a minute and ran my hands across little shirts and mesh shorts that have been passed from boy to boy to boy to boy. Now this will be the last boy to wear them.

I couldn’t help it, tears stung my eyes.

Then as I pushed that boy’s sheets and pillowcase into the washer, I paused for another minute and buried my face into the stinky blue blankies he’s carried every day these past six years.

If I’m being perfectly honest, I let out a few sobs.

Because even though I’m so incredibly grateful and unbelievably blessed to be sending my children out into the world. And even though he came home to play with his sister without skipping a beat. And this little boy who lost his first tooth last week told me on his second day of kindergarten, “School is just TOO FUN, Mom”…

It doesn’t change the fact that I feel sad.

It doesn’t change the fact that I’m mourning the passage of yet another stage in my life.

I just feel sad.

And I think that’s okay.

To feel my feelings. To allow this little bit of grief to wash over me. To give myself an offering of grace as I let go a little more.

It’s okay to feel sad.

This morning I tiptoed into everyone’s rooms to wake them for school, but instead of waking my kindergartener, I slipped in the bottom bunk beside him to pull him close for just a few minutes. He wrapped his arm around my neck and nuzzled his head into my chest. I inhaled a long sweet breathe from the top of his head and let myself imagine for just one teeny moment, that instead of dropping him to school for seven hours we’d go downstairs to snuggle on the couch. Then read books or play playdough or swing out back or take the dog for a walk around the path by our house while he rode up ahead hollering behind to me every few minutes about a bug or a flower or a wasp nest or a dog or those snails.

I’m going to miss that.

I’m so grateful I had that time with him.

I’m so grateful God chose me to be his mother.

And today I’m allowing myself to feel sad as I say goodbye to that stage of little boy-ness.

I am grateful even as my heart aches just a little…because I’m a MOM.

And bittersweet is the perfect definition of MOTHERHOOD.

Today I’m sad.

And it’s okay to say so.