We're Not Powerless After All

I think paralyzed is the word.

I’ve been paralyzed over the current circumstances of the world.

How is this happening? What is wrong with people? Why can’t we fix this? Everyone is so ANGRY. Everyone is shouting SO LOUD. Why can’t we all just get along? Why can’t anyone seem to do the right thing? What the hell is wrong with the world????

It’s hard to admit when something is broken, and I’m absolutely POWERLESS to fix it.

Hmmmm.

Seems like I’ve been here before.

See. In early marriage, the drinking and lying and bottles of pills and lines of powder told me my husband might have a little problem with addiction.

It was paralyzing at first.

But then naturally I took on his “addiction problem” as my job to fix.

I monitored and cried and covered up and threatened and denied and counted pills and pretended and dumped pills into the toilet and screamed and tracked his every move and basically spent every waking moment stewing and worrying and wondering and plotting.

Good God! Why can’t he just stop using? Why can’t he figure this out? Why can’t he listen to me? Doesn’t he know what he is doing to himself? To me? To our little family? What the hell is wrong with my husband????

It’s hard to admit when someone is broken, and I’m absolutely POWERLESS to fix him.

Because that’s what I was.

Powerless.

None of my efforts helped. None of my badgering changed a single thing except to make me completely insane. Until finally, FINALLY in utter defeat I came to this heartbreaking conclusion…

He was probably never going to get better. We were probably going to get a divorce. This man I loved was probably going to die from his disease. And I would probably never have the little family I once imagined. Or the life I longed for.

This teeny tiny, ridiculously humongous truth hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced.

So, I sat there a while. In my pain. Until finally, FINALLY one day…

I stood up.

I started moving my feet. I stopped focusing all my time and attention on my husband. And began worrying ONLY about myself.

What could I do? Where had my thinking become distorted? What were the right words to say? How should I spend my time? What did I need? How had I contributed to this problem? What could I do about it? Where did I need to grow and change? How could I love better? Help better? Serve better? What was the NEXT right thing?

Now here’s something funny…

When I began to focus on MYSELF and the only thing I CAN control (myself), very slowly my marriage started to improve.

My husband came out of rehab a second time. And stayed sober. It was 15 years this summer.

Hmmmm.

I’ve been wondering lately…

Maybe instead of feeling so paralyzed by the current circumstances of the world, I should stand up. Start moving my feet. Stop focusing all my time and attention on the people over which I have NO control and begin worrying about myself.

What can I do? Where has my thinking become distorted? What are the right words to say? How should I spend my time? What do I need? How have I contributed to this problem? What can I do about it? Where do I need to grow and change? How can I love better? Help better? Serve better? What is the NEXT right thing?

I mean…

What if we ALL did?

What if we all stopped shouting so loudly at everyone else and just sat quietly for a while. In the pain. And what if we all looked waaaaaaay deep down inside ourselves…and started working there?

The world IS broken. But we’re not powerless after all…

Let’s start moving our feet.

Let’s begin to fix OURSELVES.

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