Yesterday I Had My Yearly Physical, and I Need to Tell You I'm Sorry

I’d like to offer an apology on behalf of the medical community for contributing to a deep-seated problem.

Yesterday, I went to my annual physical for fasting blood work, a mammogram, and other preventive measures.

I’ve been working hard these last few years on body image and positive self-talk and REAL health and my overall well-being. I see a therapist every few weeks hoping to heal from old trauma and lifelong anxiety and shame. I exercise regularly and lift weights four days a week. I’m back to running after a looooong time on a bad ankle for which I’ve been doing physical therapy. I eat a fruit or vegetable with every meal and maintain a fairly well-balanced diet (along with chocolate peanut butter ice cream, minus the guilt).

All good things, right?

I’m actually pretty proud of my progress.

When I hopped on the scale at the doctor’s office, I knew it might be triggering so I confidently averted my eyes. I focused on the nurse’s face and smiled while she recorded my mystery weight, asking, “You have any big plans for the weekend?” She answered brightly and led me toward an exam room where I had a great talk with my doctor. Yes, I’m feeling great—better than I have in years! Yes, Lexapro is controlling my anxiety. And yes, my periods are manageable. I’ve cut out caffeine which has helped my chronic headaches. I don’t use tobacco products or drink alcohol. I have an amazing support system. And yes, I’m sleeping better than ever before.

After a quick exam, fasting blood work, and an order for my mammogram, the doctor handed me a visit summary and sent me on my way saying, “Keep up the good work!”

And that’s when I saw it.

That number—my number—and next to it, my BMI in a color-coded chart.

It wasn’t even close to ‘green means go’ on the chart. Instead, it was ‘pump the brakes you’re doing it wrong!’ And I could feel the tension rise in my stomach. My automatic thought was, whelp, that’s it. I’m going back on The Diet.

The Diet began my sophomore year of college while living in a sorority when I stopped eating in the cafeteria, choosing to wolf down a few pieces of lunchmeat or a hot dog slathered in cheese alone in my room. When I began running ten miles at a time most days of the week, not for health reasons, but to offset anything I may have eaten that day. When I occasionally purged in the bathroom. When I felt thin for the very first time.

On The Diet, I was noticed. Beautiful, even. And that summer when I bumped into my high school counselor at Wal-Mart she remarked, “Wow. You haven’t gained an ounce of the college fifteen!”

No. In fact, I’d lost twenty pounds or more.

It was the thinnest I have ever been. And it was the sickest I have ever been.

I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve been on and off some version of that dreaded Diet for decades whenever I’ve hoped to shed a few pounds (or twenty).

Until now.

Until these last few years when I decided to stop mistreating my body. When I learned to feed myself real food, intuitively, whenever I feel hungry. When I started moving my body for health and well-being, getting out in nature, and enjoying the sun on my face. When I spoke truth to a therapist about where I’ve been hurt and how it has shaped my internal voice of shame. When I slowly began to embrace a gentler way of health and well-being, loving the body I actually have.

I am the heaviest I have ever been. And I am the healthiest I have ever been.

And this is my apology: If you ever left my office as a patient feeling WORSE about yourself, I’m sorry.

Please know, I care so deeply for you—for your health and your well-being—and I’m much more interested in your health behaviors and how you feel inside your body and all the things you can accomplish and the ways you are growing and learning and healing than about any number on the scale or a flaming red color on some silly chart.

Let’s stop mistreating our precious, beautiful bodies.

Let’s grow and learn together.

Let’s embrace a gentler way of health and well-being.

And let’s truly LOVE these bodies we actually have.

We can do it together.

I’d love to share my new book with you!!! Everything I Wish I Could Tell You About Midlife: A Woman’s Guide to Health in the Body You Actually Have