What if I'd hit pause?

I wanted to, you know. In the beginning.

I simply couldn’t get enough of teeny hands. Little bitty toes. Tiny sneezes. That sweet scent from the top of your head. I never knew this kind of love existed…until I met a brand-new boy. And I wanted to keep you there, as a newborn…forever.

Or what if I hit pause a little later? At six months? The perfect ‘baby’ age of chubby cheeks and drool-y grins and two bitty bottom teeth. Learning to sit but not yet on the move. Melting my heart with your deep baby belly laughs. Gosh, I wanted to pause you there! I wanted to carry your squishy body on my hip and feel your little head resting on my shoulder…forever.

Over and over as I watched you grow, I wished I could reach out my hand to stop time.

Hit pause.

I wanted to pause you as an adorable toddler getting into EVERYTHING and calling me Momma. Or at three, when nearly every word out of your mouth made me want to howl with laughter. I wanted to pause you as a sweet five-year-old, giant Star Wars backpack following you into Kindergarten. Or when you smiled that great big gap-toothed grin on your seventh birthday.

It all goes so fast, and at every stage I thought, ‘THIS is my favorite! I wish I could pause you right here!’

But what if I had??

I would’ve missed your funny stories in the front seat. Or reading Harry Potter together by the glow of the booklight attached to your bed. I would’ve missed watching you sink three-pointers at basketball. Or learning to ski. I would’ve have missed Minecraft stories and after-school moments and noisy friends raiding our pantry and obnoxious jokes and hilarious memes. I would’ve have missed watching your amazing personality emerge a little more day by day.

If I hit pause…

I would’ve missed the beauty of watching you become YOU.

Sure, it’s all happening a little faster than I’d like it to. Sometimes watching you change right before my eyes absolutely breaks my heart. And sometimes I still long to slow time.

You’re practically…grown.

But I get to be YOUR MOM. Watching. Cheering. Taking in every stage. Laughing and loving all the way.

And one day I might even hold your newborn—my grandbaby—and whisper with pride, “I once knew a boy when he was brand-new just like you!”

Life goes by in a blink, but I wouldn’t hit pause even if I could…

Because I don’t want to miss a thing