Savasana

I could tell I’ve been worked up because on the way to soccer practice a motorcycle drove past and neither of its riders were wearing helmets.

I watched their hair whipping around as they barreled down the interstate in the passing lane, and I couldn’t help imagining a fiery crash.

Two bare heads hitting the pavement.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter while I wound myself into a tizzy.

Why won’t they just wear helmets??

Don’t they know the danger??

Don’t they realize they could die???

Why can’t people just do the right thing??????

That’s when it hit me.

I care SO deeply about the ‘right’ thing.

I get bent out of shape when I see people who aren’t doing the ‘right’ thing.

I can’t rest. I can’t sleep. I can’t relax or enjoy myself…

Unless everyone is safe and well and happy and, you know, doing the ‘right’ thing (according to me).

And I KNOW this sounds ridiculous.

I realize basically everyone in the world is never safe and well and happy. That’s impossible!!

I know.

But I forget.

I forget how small I am in the grand scheme of things.

I forget over and over and over I am not in control.

I forget people could care less about the ‘right’ thing I’ve conjured up in my own mind.

And I forget no matter how hard I try. Tizzy or not. I cannot control other people’s actions.

Usually while I wait at soccer practice, I spend time scrolling or send emails or phone a friend for a chat.

But today in my tizzy I marched over to a place in the shade under a large tree where I threw myself down.

Flat on my back on the grass against tears.

I stared up at the sky.

It was blue.

There were wisps of white clouds like coconut flavored cotton candy drifting by.

The green leaves glittered in the breeze above my head and I noticed the dainty berries on every bunch so bright against that blue backdrop.

The grass felt cool and lush against my skin, almost wet, as little blades prickled the backs of my arms and legs. I let my hands brush across the tops…back and forth. Back and forth. Swish. Swash.

I could smell the pines nearby. And the fresh dirt underneath my body.

A small white plane buzzed across the sky. Then a black and white dragonfly with striped wings followed.

Same design.

Then I turned my palms toward the sky.

Without moving.

For an hour.

You know that yoga pose where you just lay there and try not to let your mind spin out of control??

Savasana.

One whole hour.

The world felt huge.

I felt very, very small.

One very, very small girl lying in the grass under the shade of a tree in this big old awful beautiful world.

I imagined God looking over it all. Looking over us all. Looking over…everything.

He’s not surprised by my pain.

He’s not afraid of my sadness.

He understands how I fumble and clutch at control.

He comes beside me.

And waits.

Like blue in the sky and wisps of clouds and little blades of grass prickling the soft fleshy part of my arms.

Like planes buzzing. Dragonflies. The smell of pines. Soft breeze ruffling my hair.

He waits for me to relinquish control once again.

He never ever reminds me it wasn’t mine to hold onto in the first place.

He just waits.

And soothes.

While I exhale…hugggggghhhhh.

I finally understand savasana.