Today I thought it would be a good idea to brush up on a few things before they head back to school.

I whipped out some lined paper and told my soon-to-be-kindergartener to write out his ABC’s.

Capital and lowercase letters.

He thought it sounded like a great idea!! For about the first three minutes.

Because after that, I started in.

I reminded him how to hold a pencil correctly.

I pointed out that capital letters start at the TOP and go ALL THE WAY to the bottom.

I huffed a little when he couldn’t remember which direction a lower-case b faces.

Or d.

Or how to make an f.

Or G.

Or N or M or…

Wait, what??? He doesn’t remember??? Why wasn’t I practicing these with him all summer???

He shot me a few nervous glances. He kept trying. He laughed a little, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I guess I forgot.”

He could tell I was getting annoyed.

He could tell I was ‘disappointed in his performance.’

And the longer we sat there, the more his face looked a little crestfallen.

Who does that??

What kind of mom does that to her little boy about to start kindergarten in two weeks??

Apparently…this mom. It’s so embarrassing, you guys.

I excused myself about half-way through this little review session because I could feel my face getting hot. It wasn’t going as planned, and it certainly wasn’t productive!!!

I went upstairs for a few minutes. And prayed.

‘God, please help me to parent the child I have. Help me to be patient and loving and kind. Forgive me for the thousands of ways I fall short every single day. God, please. Can You help me to be a good mom…to THIS child!?!’

Because the truth is, my first three boys were so good at following the rules. They went exactly by the book. They thrived under my ‘systems.’

Sleep schedules.

Milestones.

Sticker charts.

All three older boys were potty-trained in a few days. They learned to ride a bike well before kindergarten. They read at five and were quick to learn how to tie their own shoes.

You guys, I thought it was me. And my ‘systems.'

But then I had baby number four.

And from day one, he hasn’t been interested in my plans or timelines or ‘systems.’

He was born exactly four minutes after I raced into the delivery room. He wasn’t really worried about my epidural, and amid tons and tons of profanity (who knew I had such a potty mouth?)…there he came.

And I’m telling you, those dimples made it look like he was BORN smiling!!

He was quick to laugh, too. He laughed ALL THE TIME. His adorable laugh filled any room and brought a smile to everyone in earshot.

He was perhaps the world’s happiest and most contented baby.

He wasn’t too excited about potty-training though. It took him about two years.

He learned to ride a bike just two weeks ago…on his SIXTH birthday.

He can sound out a few words. So, I guess that means he’s reading…ish.

He carries his baby blankies around the house and at bedtime still pokes a stinky corner into his mouth as he curls up next to me on his bed for books.

And he still doesn’t have any interest in tying his shoes. In fact, I’m never too surprised when we show up somewhere and he’s not even wearing shoes!! He just…forgets!

You guys, we have to parent the kids we HAVE…not the kids we imagined we’d have. Or the kids we’re trying to manipulate into superstars with our little ‘systems.’

It’s not our job to pave the way. Or force our plans.

This boy of mine?? He’s walking to the beat of his OWN little drum. He’s operating under his OWN timeline.

And he’s AMAZING!! THAT’S my job…to notice and clap for his AMAZING!!

He still laughs ALL the time. And his dimples flash. He loves to play jokes. And snuggle up next to me on the couch. When we play Kings Corner, he looks in my hand and then plays the cards he knows will give me a turn to play. He is quick to share with his sister (mostly).

And that laugh?? Well, it still fills any room and brings a smile to everyone in earshot.

Turns out, this boy of mine isn’t worried so much about my ‘systems’ because he’s pretty focused on JOY.

He IS joy.

And you know, once I walked away today…he sat and finished that sheet with the ABC’s.

Capital and lowercase letters.

Every single one.

Isn’t parenting humbling?? Don’t we learn SO MUCH all the time??

I jack a thousand parts every single day, but every day I also practice apology. I’m still learning about forgiveness and unconditional love. I’m still learning about letting go. And trusting God with His plans for my children, rather than my own.

Tonight as we snuggled on his bed, I told my boy once again, “I’m sorry I got grumpy today when you were practicing your letters. That wasn’t very nice. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’m proud of you, you know. And I’m so glad I get to be YOUR mom. Of ALL the little boys, God gave me YOU!”

He just nodded and laughed and turned toward me for a big hug as I planted wet kisses in his face and inhaled his stinky blankies.

“I love you, Mommy.”

This boy.

He’s teaching me so much.

Mostly he’s teaching me how to live a joyful, joy-filled life.

That’s what he’s best at, after all.

He really IS a superstar!!