ME: Hey God???

GOD: Waits patiently for yet another rant.

ME: What exactly am I supposed to DO now?

About…EVERYTHING???

Everyone is hurting down here. Everyone is in pain. Everyone is shouting SO LOUD.

No one can agree on ANYTHING.

And hatred is everywhere.

I feel small.

Helpless.

Alone.

I can’t stand this feeling because it seems selfish, really.

I know most of it isn’t really about me.

But I am still…ME.

(Plus, I think it might partially be about me. Because aren’t I the only person I CAN control???)

So, I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do?

About this life???

About this pandemic???

About my kids’ school year???

About my part???

About…ALL of it???

If I had my way, I’d throw a blanket over the whole thing. Wrap it up. Snuggle it on the couch. Hum a few songs…maybe Amazing Grace. Then I’d bake some warm banana bread. Or chocolate chip cookies. And encourage all the world’s collective pain to go outside for a turn on the swings. Get some sunshine!

Isn’t that stupid???

But that’s how I solve pain.

I JUST CAN’T SOLVE THIS PAIN!!!

There’s too much going on.

It all feels too big. Too ingrained. Too widespread. Too enormous.

How do I fix it, God????

What can I possibly do?

And why in the world does everyone and everything have to hurt SO VERY MUCH???

ALL THE TIME??

My heart is broken.

I wish I could fix the whole world.

(Also, this teeny part of me wants to return to my normal state of ignorant bliss.)

But actually??

I’m just so angry.

I’m angry at this situation.

I’m angry at people’s responses.

I’m angry at all the pain and, well, all this anger surrounding me.

And mostly I’m just angry…

At MYSELF!

Because how have I lived to be 40 years old? And I’m still not sure what to DO?? How have I largely managed to ignore the pain of the world…until now???

How have I walked around my whole life as a mostly nice person but also mostly thinking about my house or my clothes or my waistline or Pinterest recipes or what my friends think or what best serves ME???

How have I been so selfish???

God. I don’t want that anymore.

I can’t be that person anymore. Not for one more day.

I LONG for a deeper life.

A truer life.

A more beautiful life.

So, what exactly am I supposed to DO now?

Is there something I can DO, God??

About ANY of this??

Will You please tell me what to DO???

GOD: Honey, stop talking so much. Just breathe and listen, sweetheart. Trust ME.